Unintentional Altruism and Rat Biting

Hello and welcome to my blog

(aka the place I write out a bunch of weird shit and make it look nice so I feel less insane).

She bit into a rat when she was younger, and she hasn’t been the same since. -My dad

I did a lot of deep thinking before creating this blog, and I decided to force myself to come up with a couple main ideas about myself. I mulled it over in my head and came up with two very important things about me as a person.

The first being: I always seem to put other people before myself. Before you go judging me and rolling your eyes at yet another self-proclaimed-selfless-heart-of-gold-altruist, let me tell you it’s not usually on purpose. While I do care about people and their feelings and consider myself far too empathetic for my own good, I seem to have made a habit out of unintentionally sacrificing my own comfort and happiness for random ass people, whom I’ve convinced myself, deserve better. Most of the time I don’t sacrifice my happiness for others out of a desire to be a good person. (Though I do have the same birthday as Mother Teresa.) It’s more like a knee jerk reaction of delusional self defense. I have deeply rooted issues with confrontation and conversation. I don’t like people prying into my shit, ya know? It’s gotten to a point where I do everything in my power to remain under the radar and avoid any and all attention on my inner self. I’ve become such a surface level person, that I literally do nice things for people so they don’t give me a hard time or ask questions. They just think to themselves, “Huh, she’s so nice. Unlike that bitch Candice. What’s her deal? I bet her mom calls her fat all the time, and she takes it out on everyone else. ” It’s seemed to work for me so far. Maybe it stems from some serious self doubt issues, and deep down maybe I’m worried that I’m a bad person? Maybe I’m scared that if I ever had to back up my decisions or beliefs, that’d I’d fall flat on my face like an idiot? So I just agree with everyone and do what they’d want so they have no reason to try and figure me out? I probably need therapy.

The second thing you absolutely need to know about me: I was a weird kid and I am currently an even weirder young adult. When I was a kid my parents bought me all the typical toddler toys; brightly colored stuffed animals, happy little dolls, games and cute things like that, but apparently my younger self didn’t seem to care for any of those toys. She took a liking to a dog toy. A plastic rat squeaky toy to be exact. Like one of those creepy rat Halloween decorations. Yeah, apparently I would pick it up, and rather than give it to the dog, I would happily take a huge bite out of it’s plastic rat butt. So not only was I a mentally twisted ungrateful child, who ignored her parents desire for me to have happy fun toddler toys, I was also a bloodthirsty, fake rat murdering, psychopath who stole from puppies. (Clearly child-me was not an altruist.) It may sound like a weird thing for me to consider as one of the most important things about me, but it was the beginning of a life of weirdness. Even as a child I cherished the bizarre and strange over the bright and happy, socially acceptable. And that passion for the strange followed me and shaped me and I hold it very dear to my heart and never ever, ever want to lose sight of it.

So yeah, that’s me I guess. Rat Biter, Feeling Hider, Fearful Liar. Nice to meet you.

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